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May 31st

On this day in 1531 there was an uprising in Amsterdam. Women revolted. It was the Women’s Revolt.

One of the revolting women offering the burgermeesters her special cheese

When I first read this, I was rather excited. Feminism in action in the Netherlands in the 16th century?! Get in! Alas, I was disappointed. The women were revolting about a wool house in a churchyard. That in itself might still have been all about the sisters doing it for themselves and if I’m being fair, I suppose they were, but rather than it being about their rights or about economic hardship or bad social conditions or, well anything like that, it was all about some alleged holy bloke, who’d crawled into the churchyard back in 1345. He was dying and given communion, which being all weak and dying, he vomited back up. The vomit was thrown on a fire and then in the morning, it was all back whole and host shaped again.

Well, that was obviously a miracle, so when the burgermeesters decided to put a wool house there they were all really rather cross and asked the burgermeesters  to please not to build a house of commerce on a holy spot. The burgermeesters, rather like the honey badger, didn’t give a shit. So, then the women of the city got together a petition, a pretty damn big one at that, where nearly all the names were real (they did hide a few pretend names like Minnie Mouse and Eleanor Roosevelt, but as they hadn’t been born or created yet, the burgermeesters were none the wiser) and they handed it in. The burgermeesters read it and were all “Yeah, that’s nice and that, but piss off ladies we have work to do.” That’s right, they just went right ahead and dug the foundations for the wool house.

Well, the women were not happy at all and on the night of the 31st when the builders had all gone home for the night, 300 women got into the churchyard and put all the dirt that had been dug, back in the ground and flicked the Vs at the burgermeesters. And that, dear readers, was their revolt.  Not stunningly exciting and all in the name of some holy vomit, but those sisters did it for themselves and the burgermeesters were left defeated. For the time being at least.

 

Today is the birthday of Brooke Shields.

Brooke found fame as a child when she was all sexualised and played a child in a brothel in the Louis Malle film, Pretty Baby. She was 12 years old and doing nuddy shots, which is a bit off really. When she was 14 she did the Calvin Klein jeansadverts (Tagline: “You want to

Despite her age, Brooke still has big lips and bushy eyebrows

know what comes between me and my Calvin’s? Nothing”) and was pretty much in the public eye for the next decade, famous for being the sexualised virgin. She was a virgin until the age of 22.

Her career pretty much tapered off in the 90s, although she’s continued to do TV and stage work. Despite this, she still remains a big name and a recognisable celebrity. Personally, I’ve never had that high of an opinion of her, but when she had post-natal depression and Tom Cruise was giving it all “Oh she’s a bad woman, drugs are bad mmkay and PND isn’t even real”, I loved her for socking it to him hard and good. The fact that she then accepted his private apology and then went to his wedding makes me think she’s a bit of a dick though.

Anyway! She’s looking good, she seems to be happy, life has treated her well and the early dodgy stuff doesn’t seem to have damaged her too much, so fair fucks to her. Happy birthday Brooke Shields. That is all.

Oh, nearly all! If you’re going to click on one link here and you haven’t already seen the honey badger, click on that. It’s aces and, indeed, skill.

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February 18th

On this day in 1954 an amazing event took place. One can compare it to Moses getting some stone tablets off of God; Baby Jesus being born in a manger; the revelation of the Qur’an to Muhammad; Joseph Smith coming up with the idea of Mormonism. Yes, it was as earth-shattering and epoch-shaping as that, for in 1954, L. Ron Hubbard took his Church of Scientology to California and founded the first Californian Church of pure shite Scientology. Prior to making up a religion, L. Ron was best known as a mediocre author of turgid science fiction novels and a great fantasist. He claimed he was a nuclear physicist, when in fact he got thrown out of a civil

Old mutha Hubbard

engineering degree for being a lazy thick. He claimed to be a great explorer of the far east, when he’d been to Guam and China for holidays with his mum and dad. He was also a git and very ugly.

One could describe his church in great detail, Thetans, blah, auditing, blah, psychiatry is bad, blah, blah, blah; but the bottom line is it’s all about money and the other stuff is the biggest load of bunkum since some bloke reckoned he fed five thousand people with a few loaves and a couple of fishes and at least that bloke was quite nice and not locking people in rooms and telling them they were shit but if they gave him all their money they might be a bit less shit.

Scientology had started a bit earlier than 1954, on the back of Dianetics – really hard to explain, some of bullshit about being able to cure everything from warts to schizophrenia by thinking about it in the right way – but it was in California that it reached its apogee, for in California there was Hollywood and there be celebrities!

Scientology should have crept away, crawled under a rock and quietly died, but thanks to L. Ron being a big blow-hard and idiot

Cruise proves that Scientology sends you loco in the coco

celebrities, such as noted heterosexualist dwarf, L. Tom Cruise, getting involved with it, it has grown big and bloated. Most people think it’s a big old bunch of nonsense, but are not allowed to say it in public because if they do Thetans come and sue them and probably put dog poo through their letterboxes as well. So, in short, prior to this day in 1954, the world was pretty much fucked, but didn’t have to watch films starring sciencebollockists; since then, the world has got more fucked, L. Ron wrote more books and even the sort of people you’d think might be slightly sane – Beck, I’m looking at you – have decided that jumping up on down on sofas and claiming their love for an actual woman while grinning insanely and believing in alien type nonsense, is a rational way to live their lives. As P. T. Barnum didn’t say, there’s a sucker born every minute.

Today is the birthday of noted scientologist, pilot and sometime actor, L. John Travolta. In a lovely piece of serendipity, L. John was born in 1954 on the very day the church he would later join was being set up in California. Before becoming a scientologist in 1975, Mr Travolta had acted in a series called Welcome Back, Kotter in which he played a young cocky Italian-American. He reprised this role under a different name in Saturday Night Fever which made him very famous and in which he busted some fine dancing moves. He got even more famous after Grease in which he and Oliva Newton-John pretended to be teenagers and sang some pretty songs.

After this he made some utterly appalling films and was pretty much a tramp living on the streets when Quentin Tarantino gave him a role in Pulp Fiction which made everyone remember him again and comment on how much fatter he was these days. Since then he’s flown his planes a lot, made some half-decent films and starred and directed in Battlefield Earth, a film so dire that one would wonder what had led him to make it, if one didn’t know that it was based on a very bad novel by L. Ron Hubbard. So, today the dashing pilot and noted heterosexualist celebrates his birthday, probably at the Scientology centre, eating pie and busting moves with some of the high up Thetan auditors, or whatever they call themselves. Happy birthday, L. John, you were cute when you were young and you died well in Pulp Fiction, but please don’t do another Battlefield Earth, you muppet. We know you think L. Ron was some sort of genius saviour, but even you must know he couldn’t write for shit!

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