Tag Archives: earthquake

March 19th

On this day in 2011, so actually today there is a phenomenon called a “supermoon”. This appears to be causing both excitement and confusion, so while I am usually your font of all historical knowledge, today I shall take on the role of science genius and explain it all to you. Listen carefully, I shall say this only once. Well I’ll say it once, then probably wibble on a bit, go around the houses and then sum up in a “and there you have it!” way, to further impress the wonders of my unique and Mekon-sized brain on you all.

Many newspapers and other media outlets are pretending to us that the supermoon is a rare event. This is nonsense.  There are somewhere between 4 and 6 moons that are a bit super every year. Now, the one we’re having today is the most super one we’ve had since 1993, or I guess, the one that looks the biggest and is therefore making the media get a bit moist in the old pant region.  That out of the way, I shall now tell you in simple words what this phenomenon is.

The Moon gets annoyed when spaceships land on it

The moon, as we know, orbits the earth once every (roughly) 28 days. The moon’s orbit is also influenced by the earth’s orbit of the sun and it is perturbed (this is a scientific type of a word, but you know what? It roughly translates to the same as the proper use of it, so I’ve used it because I like the idea of the moon being a bit worried) by both the earth and the sun. These little worries are described in a big old mathematical way by a bloke called Cassini’s Law, but we don’t need to worry ourselves with that. Basically, I’m showing off a bit. Now at times the moon’s orbit brings it closer to the earth than others. When it’s within 90% of its closest range and is a full or a new moon, we call it a supermoon. We call it that, but scientists like to have their own language for stuff, so they call it a perigee-syzygy. I’m not trying to be clever here, because perigee is a word we need to know for the scary stuff that people believe about the supermoon thing a bit later on. It means the point at which the moon is closest to the earth in its orbit. Syzygy is a full or new moon when sun, moon and earth are aligned. And there we have it. The moon we have tonight is full and fine and bigger than usual. That said, I was very disappointed to go out earlier and not see the whole sky filled with the moon. After all the fuss and nonsense I was expecting something a bit more spectacular than what we’ve got. But enough of my wish for a very large moon on a stick. Time to move on to all the bad things that people think this supermoon can do.

Ooh! Say all the superstitious numbskulls. Did the moon make Japan have an earthquake and a tsunami? It is big so it can make these things happen for sure! Funnily enough back in 2004 after the Indian Ocean tsunami people were asking the same. But here is the very big thing and no the very big thing is not the moon. The dreadful tsunami in 2004 took place on December 26th, two weeks before the full moon/supermoon. The Japanese earthquake/tsunami happened 8 days before the super supermoon. This means that instead of the moon being at its perigee it was at its apogee or near to it. In 2004 it was at its actual apogee, this year it was closer to its apogee than its perigee. And yes, I know you have all figured out that its apogee is it’s furthest point away. It’s all relative. Some apogees are further away than others, just like some perigees are (as we’ve seen), but if the moon is causing all this mayhem because it’s super, then why is it only doing it when it’s actually not very super indeed! I think all of us rational people can conclude that it was not the moon what done it.

I should add that other people – those irrational stupid types – are also asking if we are about to have Armageddon because of the big moon, the earthquakes and the Middle East getting all revolt-alicious. I do not know the answer to that, although my best guess is that they should all, in a very real way, catch on to themselves, but we have at least sorted the moon today. Tomorrow we will return to history, but never forget, dear readers, my knowledge of just about everything is well massive, as the kids probably don’t say anymore. Peace out.

Today is the birthday of hot 1980s miserablist Terry Hall off of The Specials, Fun Boy Three and Colourfield. As  teenager I didn’t know any girls who weren’t at least a little in love with Terry Hall and this was a very good thing because The Specials were all about top music with messages, not beat you over the  head messages and not everything was a message, but …

So damn hot

Terry singing Too Much Too Young was enough to make any fourteen year old re-consider the wisdom of getting down and dirty with some pimply youth who’d leave her up the duff and screwed over. Terry was a man well worth lusting over even if his smiles were rarer than supermoons. For real, the man almost made Morrissey look cheerful in comparison.

Terry’s still performing, still wonderful, still has his quirky voice and for a man who’s turned 51 today, he’s still pretty much got it all going on. In other words: I still would. But I shall leave my animal lusts out of this, because Mr Hall deserves to be praised for being involved in good music and good stuff in the 80s and 90s, for singing fine and pretty, for making people happy and for making them think as well. I wish there were more bands like the Specials out there today and as there isn’t, I’m so glad I grew up when they were around.

Happy birthday, Mr Hall. If you’re ever in Brighton and … Sorry. Happy birthday Mr Hall, you sure do sing purty for the people.

Please note: If you are sharp-eyed you will see rare footage of a Hall smile in this video!

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February 8th

On this day in 1750 there was a minor earthquake in London. In fact it was so minor it was almost micro. It measured 2.6 on the Richter scale, although at the time nobody knew that because Charles Richter had not yet invented his earthquake measuring system.

The Bishop of London was a secret transvestite

An earthquake of the magnitude (or microtude) is the sort that gets measured but not necessarily felt by that many people; in short as earthquakes go, it was a bit rubbish. However, some people must have felt it because exactly a month later on March 8th there was another one – a little stronger this time at 3.1, but still pretty shit – and then all of a sudden Londoners got all scared and “Ooh, bugger me sideways, what’s going to happen on April 8th!” The answer to this was: not a lot, but there was no telling the panicked populace that.

Of course, wherever there is panic you will find people who are happy to take advantage of it. In this instance, it was the Bishop of London who jumped into his pulpit at St Paul’s  and started getting all “God is angry with us! You’re all depraved and he is trying to smite you for your sin and reading that book what that Henry Fielding wrote what is called Tom Jones!” During these fulminations he spat a lot and got very red in the face, the better to show he was a bit cross. Many in the congregation were much in awe of his rhetoric, but there were some voices of dissent. It is reported that a learned fellow from Bishopsgate confronted the bishop with a question thus: “Your Grace, while I may accept some of thine imprecations on the general populace, I do find myself wondering why thou dost mention Tom Jones, when as any learned chap dost know, there were no earthquakes in 1722 when Moll Flanders was first read by the good people of London and the

Enlivened by his own sermon, the bishop wrote an imaginatively titled pamphlet

heroine of that story was a known short-heeled wench! Also, it doth also seem passing strange that our Lord and Father has sent upon us such piddling tremors if he is really as angry as all that. I do believe that the Gentleman’s Magazine hast got it right when they sayeth that yon tremors were more than likely the result of subterranean waters cutting new courses!”

The Bishop of London then thundered so hard, that the people in the front row of the congregation felt the earth move far more than they had during either of the two earthquakes. “Shut up!” he shouted, “What do you know about the ways of our Heavenly Father, young scamp!  For did not an angel visit a cobbler from Carnaby Market and tell him that the world would end on 8th April. You’ll be laughing on the other side of your face then. Ha!” It is thought that the learned young gentleman then protested that if the world did indeed end, he wouldn’t have a face to smile on the other side of, before being ejected from the cathedral by some burly rectors.

As it happened, a lot of people left London and went to Slough – thus turning it into the place that in later years John Betjeman wished friendly bombs on – and others slept out on hills on April 8th, though how they thought this would save them from the end of the world is not at all clear. Some of them were so stupid, that they did this for months to come on the 8th of each successive month, before going back to drinking shed-loads of gin and getting up to all sorts of jiggery-pokery in the streets and alleyways of London. The Bishop of London met his end eleven years later, in the manner of Elvis Presley.

Today is the birthday of tit grabber and alleged style guru Trinny Woodall, who found fame with Susannah Constantine (an ex-

Noted "style maven" and exuberant lip-pumper, Trinny Woodall

fiancée of a minor royal) by telling women “what not to wear”. Their fame continued for a number of years, despite the fact that they more or less put all the women in their show in the same clothes and spent far too long squeezing the tits and arses of their vapid victims. As their fame has waned, Trinny has had cosmetic surgery to give her lips that just punched in the face look and hung various hideous frocks on her increasingly skeletal frame. Still, one shouldn’t be overly mean to the poor woman. She’s hardly the only celebrity to do strange things to her face and wearing the wrong frock every now and then isn’t a crime – unless of course you’re one of the poor bitches she laid into on her show for not knowing that “sallow women should not wear that shade and why is it below your knee making your legs looks like tree trunks!”, so pax and all that. Happy birthday, Lippy Trinny! You don’t look a day over 58 48!

 

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